Self Validate
May 13, 2025Invalidation is inevitable in life.
People don’t always acknowledge us or appreciate our contributions. They may dismiss our emotions and points of view. For these reasons, it’s important to know how to self-validate.
When we self-validate, we acknowledge how our own emotions, thoughts, or behaviors make sense considering recent events, developmental history, emotional support, vulnerability factors, and beliefs. For example, it makes perfect sense that you’re annoyed if your takeout order is late after a long day of work and you’re starving. Or, that you don’t speak up when someone else’s remarks offend you because assertiveness was discouraged by your parents when you were a child.
Keep in mind that self-validation is NOT approval. Your behavior may be understandable AND problematic at the same time.
For example, your reluctance to assert yourself as an adult can pose problems. Saying no to what you don’t want and asking for what you do, can make life easier and more fulfilling. Or, it makes sense that you cope by avoiding everyone that makes you anxious if you’ve never learned other ways to cope, AND you need the skills to face your fears.
In other words, self-validation doesn’t prevent change or commit you to continue doing what your’e doing.Unfortunately, many people have never learned to self-validate. In fact, if you were raised in an invalidating environment as a child, you may tend to self-invalidate as an adult, i.e., dismiss your own emotions, thoughts and behaviors.
You tell yourself it doesn’t matter what you feel, you must be reading the situation incorrectly, or you’re overreacting. And self-invalidation only makes change more difficult. You can’t regulate emotions you wont acknowledge, or change thoughts and behaviors you dismiss.
So, the next time you catch yourself self-invalidating, try telling yourself how your thoughts, feelings and behaviors, even if they’re problematic make sense. And remember, self validation doesn’t prevent change it creates a context in which change is possible.
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Dr. Lisa Napolitano is an expert in cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), and other mindfulness-based treatments. A licensed psychologist in New York and Florida, she is the Founder and Director of CBT/DBT Associates, a boutique psychology practice group. Dr. Napolitano is an expert in the treatment of stress, anxiety, worry, and emotion regulation problems. She has specifically designed her treatment approach for executives, attorneys, and other high-functioning individuals whom she believes shouldn’t have to sacrifice their careers to manage their stress and work on developing their potential.