Cultivate a reject mindset

Risk is part of life. The risk of rejection is inevitable. The refusal to accept any risk of rejection creates a life of limitations. A writer can avoid the risk of rejection by never submitting a manuscript for publication, but then she would never have the fulfillment of seeing her work in print. In other words, when we eliminate risk, we eliminate upside potential.

Individuals with social anxiety often use overly conservative risk management strategies. Pervasive efforts to avoid the risk of social rejection can create a life of loneliness. Rather than actively pursue relationships with people of interest to them, individuals with social anxiety often allow others to choose them. And while this strategy’s upside is the avoidance of rejection, its significant downside is ending up with relationships you might not have chosen yourself.

So, how can you overcome your intense fear of rejection? Practice taking interpersonal risks. Cultivate what psychologist Ryan Warner calls a “rejection mindset.” This means deliberately seeking out situations where there is a risk of rejection so that you can learn to tolerate it.

To help build a rejection mindset, set rejection goals. Set specific numbers of rejections for the week or month. Begin with what you consider low-stakes rejections, e.g., sending a friend request on a social media platform, and work up to higher stakes situations, e.g., asking someone out to dinner.

And if rejection happens, don’t catastrophize it or give it a global negative meaning about you or your future. e.g., “I’m unlikeable,” “I’ll never find anyone.”  Rather than interpret rejection, practice noting it without judgment. Radically accept it. Radical acceptance means taking the stance that rejection is neither good nor bad. “It is what it is,” although we would prefer otherwise. Try using it as an opportunity to analyze what if anything you will do differently on your next attempt to connect.

By repeatedly encountering rejection and learning that you can cope with it, your fear of rejection will decrease and your tolerance will increase.

Remember, the risk of rejection is inevitable in life. So if you want to expand your professional and personal networks, don’t wait for confidence. Practice taking interpersonal risks. The potential upside is worth it.

• Likes