Stop Commoditizing Yourself

Oct 14, 2019

As a clinical psychologist, I work with many successful, divorced heterosexual men in their late 40s and early 50s who are dating and looking for love. For many, it’s the first time they’ve dated in 20 or more years. If you’re like many of my clients, you probably consider your wealth and professional success your most attractive assets—your proverbial trump cards in the dating game.

Stop selling yourself short! When you commoditize yourself, you attract women who commoditize you, women who value you for what you have rather than for who you are. And we all know, commodities become obsolete and it’s only a matter of time before people want to upgrade them.

Rather than trying to entice women with your money and success, take a moment to consider the the other things you bring to the table. Think about how your possessions and accomplishments reflect desirable values and qualities. Maybe your material possessions reflect the values of generosity, an ability to enjoy life, an appreciation for beauty. Maybe your extensive international travel reflects a curiosity about the world around you. Instead of leading off with the size of the portfolio you manage, think of the qualities that have enabled you to manage it successfully. You’re intelligent, analytical, decisive, a risk taker, perhaps even adventurous. Rather than prestige, your degrees may represent a dedication to self-improvement and on-going learning.

By identifying and acknowledging your desirable qualities and values, you’ll feel more confident about what you have to offer to a prospective partner. You’ll also increase the likelihood of attracting a woman who values you for who you are rather than the things you have.

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Dr. Lisa Napolitano is an expert in cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), and other mindfulness-based treatments. A licensed psychologist in New York and Florida, she is the Founder and Director of CBT/DBT Associates, a boutique psychology practice group. Dr. Napolitano is an expert in the treatment of stress, anxiety, worry, and emotion regulation problems. She has specifically designed her treatment approach for executives, attorneys, and other high-functioning individuals whom she believes shouldn’t have to sacrifice their careers to manage their stress and work on developing their potential.

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